How fear and anxiety have affected my life.
This is my first public journal post since I’ve had my website published. I’ve had this topic floating around in my brain for a while with the intention of finally writing and posting it, but whenever I sat down at my computer, I would literally freeze. Thoughts of people reading my journal and hating every word continuously bombarded my mind until I finally, closed my laptop and retreated to my safe place. (Reading other peoples work and pretending I’m invisible) Writing isn’t the only area of my life that fear and anxiety controls. I find it hard to make friends, posting pictures of myself, sharing my success, because someone out there sees my small win as a piece of crap, (these days people have no problem telling you that) and don’t even get me started on social media. (The number of tweets I’ve typed and deleted definitely outweigh the tweets I’ve actually posted)
My question to myself is why does it matter? Why do I have such strong feelings about how other people perceive me that it's affecting my quality of life? I wish I had an answer, but I don’t. I had a dream the other day when I was in the thick of an anxiety episode that really woke me up. I was me living my life, and I could see into my head (like a window) and inside was the version of myself that I’ve always wanted to be, but instead of moving freely inside my head she was shackled at the wrist and ankles crying out for help with a muted voice. Terrifying right! My subconscious was now literally showing me the mental prison I held myself in every single day. I woke in tears, and I knew something had to change.
My biggest fear in life is right now is leaving this world and not having accomplished any of my dreams because I let fear and anxiety control me. (I’m determined not to let that shit happen!) So, today I’m taking the first steps to conquer my fears and getting my life back by posting this journal entry then sharing it to twitter. (if you’re reading this then I did it YAY me! And, you are one of the first to witness me concerning my fears one post at a time.)
If anyone out there is struggling with the same issues, know that you’re not alone. I know it’s hard but taking that first step to facing your fears and dealing with your anxiety is so worth it. Be you and do it unapologetically! Life is too short to sacrifice even one second to something that keeps you from living your best life.
I will not let Fear and Anxiety steal my Words.